The first time I wrote this list, I was very angry. Since then, I’ve rewritten it numerous times, mostly when I’m less angry, and I’ve moved forward in life. I’m not going to lie, it took me about a year to write this. I fell off with my blog because this post was really holding me back and I felt that it was something I needed to share.
Being married young was NOT A MISTAKE. I love seeing couples that marry young and beat the odds. That is one of my favorite things and it makes me so. damn. happy damnit.
Divorce is painful, ugly, and a whole lot of other trash. But I got through it, and I learned so much from it. And frankly, I don’t regret one single second of it. We had good times and we had bad times. I laughed, I cried, I felt good, I felt bad, I felt happy, I felt sad. I felt everything.
Now I’m here to be vulnerable, open, and courageous. Sharing what you’ve been through isn’t a terrible thing. And I don’t see it as “putting your business out there to everyone” as some would say. I see it as a way to allow other people to resonate with you, to relate and to know that they’re not the only ones that are in pain. We shouldn’t be alone through things like this.
The roller coaster of emotions that comes with marriage and divorce is heavy. I was married at an early 19 and divorced by 23.
I’ll carry those 4-ish years of my life with me forever. And not in a bad way either.
At one point, I was happy. Extremely. And then I was not. It’s genuinely a part of life, and I’m so grateful that I’ve experienced it (weird, right?).
The things I learned are always changing and everyday I realize how much more I’ve learned. This topic may seem “frank” or too forward, but if people like me aren’t talking about it, then who will?
List of Heavy Things I Learned From My Divorce
1.)People are always going to talk crap about you. You get married? They talk crap. You get divorced? They talk crap. You start dating again when you’re ready? They talk crap.
People won’t be happy with the decisions you make. You simply have to roll with what you want and move forward despite how others make you feel about it. I learned this early, but honestly realized it late. Not many people are going to choose to “be happy” for you. You have to choose this for yourself and be okay with the fact that not many people are going to agree with your decisions even if they are good ones.
2.)You won’t always agree with your partner. That’s okay.
You don’t have to agree with someone on absolutely everything. You may want to rip their head off when they don’t agree with you, but the reality is, you have to learn to compromise and agree on disagreeing. You also have to be okay with the fact that you don’t disagree. If you let these arguments fester, they will destroy the chemistry.
3.)People lie, and sometimes they do it to make you feel better, and sometimes they do it to make themselves feel better about making you feel better.
We all know people lie. And honestly, sometimes it’s not always about “you” when they’re lying. Sometimes there is something deeper that really needs to be worked on within them or within the relationship. Sometimes they do it because they are plain evil. Sometimes they do it because they really don’t want to hurt you and they genuinely feel bad. Sometimes they do it because frankly, you’re so annoying every time they tell you the truth. And sometimes we need to look at ourselves in the mirror and really decide if our reactions are warranted. How can we better react to things so that we don’t push our partner away?
4.)There’s a time and place for everything the universe wants for you.
There’s a time and place for kids, there’s a time and place for sex, there’s a time and place for fighting, there’s a time and place for everything.
Sometimes, the universe gives us kids and then takes them away. Sometimes the universe won’t give us kids. Sometimes the universe gives us lots of kids. There’s a time and place and when it’s right for you, it’s right for you and it all happens FOR A REASON.
5.)Confidence is key.
Remain confident in your marriage. Insecurities can eat and chip away at a marriage like you don’t even know, and FAST. Insecurities push people away, they make you want to look through his/her phone, they make you question who they’re talking to, they make you be dishonest, they create lies, drama, and they eat away at our self-esteem.
Remain confident in yourself before anything because you’d be surprised how it can change your relationship.
Lets put it like this: when you go through a break up, and the girl suddenly goes through this confidence boost and “glows up”…. THAT’S the confidence you always want to have. Stay true to yourself, stay “glowed up”. Be sure of yourself and what you want. Insecurities tend to be us looking for reassurance in our partners, and instead of looking for that in our partners we need to find it within ourselves.
I’m not saying compliments and reassurance aren’t nice, it definitely is and we want it. But find it within yourself to remember to stay confident because you ARE beautiful, you ARE amazing.
6.)If you let yourself, you will be lost in your marriage. You have to hold on to yourself while learning to be good for them too.
Don’t forget who you are. Spend time alone and spend time with your friends too. Remind yourself that you can still enjoy YOU. Take yourself to the beach, to the movies, to get your nails done, to get a hair cut, to have a few drinks with your guy friends or girl friends. Give each other space and enjoy missing each other.
Smothering is nice every now and then, but it’s good to remember that we can be independent and that we don’t actually NEED the other person, they just make our lives better!
7.)Patience is everything in a relationship.
I can’t tell you how many times I had to take a deep breath and remind myself not to scream. We’ve all had to bite our tongue, but there’s something about being married that sometimes brings out a deeper side of annoyance in you that you have to learn to control (LOL).
Be patient with your partner because being inpatient sounds a lot like nagging and no one has time for that.
8.)Being unselfish is important too.
Be unselfish. Share things. Let them go first. Be very giving, be as caring as you can be. These things go such a long way and they add up.
If all the small things can make something really bad, imagine what a lot of small good things can amount to…
9.)Both partners need to put 100% at all times. Not 50/50.
This is basic right here folks. If you’re not putting 100% into your relationship, don’t expect the same in return.
10.)Don’t be afraid to follow you dreams. Yeah, sacrifices have to be made. But dreams can still be followed. It might take time.
Don’t give up on something because you got married. There are things that do have to be scarified in marriage and that is a given, but don’t let your spouse be your excuse for not accomplishing all of the things that you wanted to accomplish. We are the only ones to blame because we only stop ourselves.
It might take a little longer to accomplish what we want, but we don’t have to be stopped. This is why I started this blog in the first place. I stopped myself because of my partner, and I never had to do that to begin with.
11.)It’s never the dreams you see people posting on social media.
Doesn’t matter how pretty the pictures are. It doesn’t matter how well edited or how well posed they are. It doesn’t matter what they say in their caption or how much they tell the world they love each other.
What truly matters is what happens when you look at your partner at the end of the day and what you tell them to their face. It matters what type of affection you show them when they make a mistake and they apologize. It matters what you do when you’re annoyed with them but they come home and tell you they love you.
It all counts at home.
12.)If one person puts in effort, the other person might follow and put in effort. But if you give up because the other person stopped, then the other person won’t flourish.
Because the other person stops putting in effort, DON’T STOP. It becomes a nasty vicious cycle and it’s SO. HARD. TO. BREAK!!!!! Full warning.
Don’t give up, don’t give up, don’t give up. I can’t emphasize this enough. Your partner tends to be a reflection of how you treat them. Keep showing them love and affection even if you’re rejected. Don’t give up on them.
13.)Temptation is there because you’re human. Stopping from giving in to temptation is where it counts.
Temptation is going to always be a thing. Let’s be frank for a moment. We cannot pretend that this doesn’t exist. It is real, it is annoying, it is raw. What really matters is when the person can turn away from the bullshXt that’s causing the temptation. You can’t be angry for someone because temptation exists. It’s not their fault it does.
When you face temptation, you always have a choice and this choice is where it counts.
14.)Honesty is everything and once you lose trust, it’s nothing.
In a relationship, honesty is everything. If you can handle being honest, you can typically handle communication and other key things that come with it. It makes the other person feel safe, secure, and like they can count on you. BE HONEST.
15.) Every marriage is different and every divorce is different.
Although there are lots of similarities in marriages, no two people are ever going to be the same no matter how much you might have in common with another couple. We all have all of our own demons we’re fighting and we all have to get to the top a different way. Do not compare yourself to other couples!