Have I accomplished any of my goals for July? Hell no. Guys, it’s months later, and I hope you never follow my example. I hope you guys learn from my unmotivation that hit deep in the middle of that month. I started working that month at my new job. Just got out of the military, was working night shift, transiting long hours in that stupid LA traffic. And man did I get stuck in traffic.
Now here we are, it’s August… wait JK, it’s freaking September. I almost deleted that and fixed it, but I want you to see where my mind has been. But holy craps, I’ve been all over the place. I’m a full-time college student, I work full time, and I’ve been busy trying to regroup and have fun and do cool things. All on top of trying to take care of myself too. I guess I’m just trying to find some TIME.
I’m just trying to find some time to breathe and relax. Geez!
We’ve had a few cool things that we’ve done ever since my last blog post, and I’ll be sharing that with you guys in a few short weeks/days whichever comes first!
But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about something completely different.
I work a 9/80 schedule, and thankfully, today is my off Friday. My boyfriend, Paul, asked me to meet him for lunch and after we had lunch, I hit up the local coffee shop and decided I would write. After a facetime with my childhood best friend, Taylor (check out her blog, it’s real and true, raw and beautiful, just like her: sundaysrevelation.wordpress.com), I remembered most of my goals from back in July, and decided to pop in and regroup me, myself and I. I love her cause every time I talk to her, doesn’t even matter what we talk about, I remember our awk adolescent years, and boys, and things we thought were oh so important at the time. And now life is different. And holy poop, we’ve gotten older and things have definitely changed.
So shout out to my girl, you’re special, inside & out. I love you. You’re my world babes.
With all that being said, I came back to my blog because my boy was like, “Why’d you stop writing?” And I was like, “Geee… I’m just lazy and busy lately.” And there’s nothing wrong with being lazy and busy. But I don’t want to be lazy and busy. I’ve always been passionate about writing, and I’ve always been passionate about my infinitetodolist, and basically the point of mentioning my girl Tay was because my convo with her reminded me why I started this blog in the first place.
I was in the middle of telling her why I started this blog, and I never really got to the point of telling her, “This is why I started my blog.” And so I’m telling you guys. I want you guys to hold me accountable to my reasons. And to not let me forget them.
Plus, I want to share a piece of me with you guys so you get me in a relatable level and know the true meaning of this website to me.
Last year when I started this blog, I had read Mark Manson’s book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fxck. And it’s a great read, one of my top favorite books. He talks about not caring in the sense that you choose what you care about. Like, some guy is telling the cashier off in front of you and she’s getting really upset, and you say something to put him in the place. Daaaaamn, you don’t give a fxck. Not the, man, I gotta do homework today, I gotta take care of dishes, but I’ll just ignore my responsibility cause I don’t give a fxck type of way. That’s not healthy, and in no means what the book is about.
So, I read the book because a guy I worked with just kept saying, “You need to read this book, you freak out too much.” And one day, I just gave in, and that was it for me. I finished the book in one day. I couldn’t stop reading it. I was hooked with what Manson had to say, and I was seeing every perspective of my life differently.
At the time, the guys I hung out with were like, “Damn, Suly. You need to stop drinking so much.” I’d just started my divorce, and I was absolutely miserable about everything. Or, I was panicking about everything. It was one or the other. I’d sit in a corner and I wouldn’t come back out for hours and hours at a time. I’d stare into space, and there was no bringing me back. I was just… in this daze. I hit a really low slump for a bit. And the total unsupportiveness that came with my divorce in the beginning made the wounds stay raw for a while.
Unfortunately, I was going out way too much, whether it was with friends, or it was alone. I’d drink at home by myself, and the only thing that saved me was the bottle. Or so I thought anyway. It felt good to have something that didn’t talk back, didn’t forget my birthday, and didn’t cheat on me with anyone else. And I felt like I thrived on it.
And so I hit rock bottom. I’d drank a little too much, and I found out some stuff about my marriage that I wish until this day I would have never known. And I had a mental breakdown and a couple of friends there to witness the most unfortunate and best day ever (sarcasm, ha).
That night, as I was trying to sober up (with the end nowhere in sight, and dry heaves), I heard one of my friends say something behind my back that pissed me the hell off. They said, “I wish she would just stop being so dramatic. Like, it’s not a big deal, it doesn’t even matter and she just likes exaggerating everything.”
And in my drunken state, that was one of the main memories I had. And that’s what changed everything for me and turned it around.
It’s like I woke the hell up.
Not because of what she said, but because she didn’t understand the pain that I was feeling, and she didn’t want to try to understand. She wanted me to shut off my pain and act like nothing ever happened to me. I would NEVER give my support the way she did. I will cry and hold my friend’s hair while she throws up, and be there for her, and support her, and feel her pain with her. But everyone’s different and not everyone has experience with the pain that comes with divorce.
Yeah I asked for my divorce, yeah I decided to end things. I wasn’t going to let some boy walk all over me and destroy me piece by piece. It’s what I WAS doing before I asked for the divorce. I lost myself and who I was as a person, and thought I could be just like him and get revenge. And I decided I didn’t want to be with someone that constantly required my forgiveness. I’d been unselfish and I didn’t truly want my revenge to play out anyway.
Don’t get my wrong guys, marriage is hard work, requires forgiveness, and love, and a lot of other things. I’ll never regret getting married young or the years I had with this guy. I’ll always regret the way I reacted to it in the end and the bad things I wanted to do to hurt him back. But I’ll never forget everything I learned and the outcome I had from it.
But when you’re with someone, and they hurt you constantly and it starts changing you into a person you’re not… then maybe… just maybe… you shouldn’t be with this person.
Before I got married my mom would call me wherever I was in the world every. Single. Day. And I’m grateful for that. Her words never stopped ringing in my mind. “Don’t let anyone steal your happiness, your smile, your free spirit, and the genuine heart and love you give to people.” Until this day, she still says it. But the days I would call her crying, my heart in my hands, barely able to breathe. I didn’t want those days to keep recurring. And now, telling you guys about it, I get teary-eyed because I’ll never forget the heavy amount of pain I carried around with me for so long. I’ll never forget the commitment I gave and the betrayal it was constantly returned with. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t perfect either. By no means. But I at least felt like I didn’t deserve to constantly feel like I was dying inside. And things had to change.
I realized that I didn’t have to spend time around people I didn’t WANT to spend time around.
I realized I didn’t have to do things I didn’t WANT to do.
I realized I didn’t have to be PERFECT to be happy.
I realized I didn’t have to stay married to some a-hole to stay happy.
I realized I didn’t have to give a fxck about the things that didn’t matter.
I never did what I wanted to do. I never went where I wanted to go. And I dreamed of chasing the beauty of the things God placed in this earth for us to see. I dreamed of living a fulfilling life with people that I loved and people that truly loved me back and weren’t afraid to tell me so.
This blog started that for me. This blog pushed me out of a stage that was so dark and so deep in my life, I couldn’t breathe. And it became what I suddenly thrived off of. It became what helped me breathe. It helped me get through my divorce. And God gave me a way to express me, my dreams, what I wanted to do, and allowed me to share it with whoever wanted to read about it.
I was able to drop the unnecessary people I didn’t need in my life, I was able to overlook what people thought, I was able to move forward with what I truly wanted. And I’m forever grateful for it.
So I’m glad to have every single one of you guys. My new readers, my faithful readers, and even the stalker readers that show up just to make sure I’m still doing okay with the drama they try to send my way.
Thanks for reading, thanks for being on my side, and thanks for the support!
Stay tuned for the next great thing 😉